new me, part II

family: the reason why we all make sacrifices...

i have been cleansing my soul the last few weeks and have wanted to share some of my thoughts as i do this.

i can't explain how hard it was to have something so prominent in your life for 4 long years to just be completely out of your life one day. as i was riding my bike with tyler in the trailer last week i spent 2 hours in the fresh, cool air reflecting on the last 4 years of life. this is what came to mind: way back before i was married, before i had my own children i taught a class to children of divorce on how to manage their grieving process relating to the divorce. we taught that the first stage of grief was denial -and once you got through denial you moved on to anger - after anger was acceptance and renewal. you also never knew how long each stage would last before you got to the next and most importantly was that none of these stages was your fault, it was natural.

while thinking about this process i realized that i had been grieving the selling of my company. it started with the denial, just plain ignoring the fact that i was doing it. then a long period of anger or grouchiness that i had done it....probably related to the fact that i felt a bit of failure for not being able to manage and balance a huge company and my family at the same time. i think i'm somewhere in between anger and acceptance right now...a little lost in what to do with my creative energies and all of my free time. let me also mention that throughout this whole process i have never regretted selling the company - it has just been a very hard process. i knew deep in my heart that it wasn't good for me anymore or my family, everyone was suffering.

one of my favorite artists and bloggers, elsie, has been working on an interesting post that i can't wait to read once she posts it. She is going to talk openly and candidly about having a career as an artist. I can't wait to see her take on it and while always thinking of myself as more an entrepreneur {probably due to my business degree and background, versus schooling in design or art} than an artist. But, she is going to talk about having a career as an artist or creator versus having a 'normal' job....so i think i fall into the category of artist, creator, designer - whatever you choose to call having a job where you never quite know where your next paycheck is coming from!

having said this i have also been contemplating how something so innocent becomes so huge and then what happens when it isn't really fun anymore. i read this post by melody ross, founder of chatterbox {a pioneer in the scrapbooking industry} and couldn't have related more. it all of a sudden made so much sense...you have an experience, come full circle, just to realize you have reached the beginning. a scary thought i must say, but it had some really deep meaning. i had gone through the last 4 years of really hard work mentally and physically demanding. an experience that has taught me so much about myself, including my faults as well as my talents, shown me boundaries in personal and professional life. most of all giving me the confidance to know that i can do anything i set my mind to and that i tend to be an overachiever when i want something and can see the 'vision'. the flip side of this is how does something that started on the kitchen table for some extra fun money slowly creep into your life and become something of a disease that takes over your family and personality? so here we are at the beginning - cleansing the soul - a fresh start - repairing the damage and deciding which road to take.

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